One of the most important things parents and caregivers need to learn is how to have quality conversations with children.
So much depends on learning how to talk to them and really hear what they have to say.
One thing that has been constant throughout history is the fact that kids and parents can mix like oil and water.
Some of this is due to the childhood cycle of love, like, hate, like and love again.
It can lead to long nights and gray hair for parents as their children exert their will on the world.
Is There Any Way To Stop This Cycle?
In one word no, there is no way to stop the cycle, but you can soften the blow of it with a few tried and true tips that center on staying connected with your kids.
No matter what age they are now, you can begin to work on strengthening the ties that bind you and your child so that you may avoid at least some of the headaches, because there really isn't a bullet proof way to avoid them all.
So, how can you strengthen the bond between you and your child to make conversations easier?
One way is to make sure you have lots of quality conversations with children, especially those close to you, and touch on harder subjects so they know they can trust you.
When the time comes that problems arise this trust will help your children open up to you and possibly prevent a bigger problem.
Start By Learning How To Have Quality Conversations With Children
It may seem like a simple task, but you wouldn't believe how many parents have a hard time with just talking to their kids.
Conversations keep each of us in touch with our world and the people in it.
Without good communication no one would have a clue what in the world was going on especially with our families or people closest to us.
Quality Conversations With Children Require You To Talk To Not At
You might say that you already talk to your kids - but do you really?
Are you really having quality conversations with children or just talking to deaf ears?
Kids will tell you that there is a difference between being talked to and being talked at.
Also, receiving their marching orders from their parents doesn't constitute a quality conversation, as a conversation implies an exchange between at least two people
No worries I am here to help.
This post is meant to encourage parents to push on and stay in touch with their kids through thick and thin.
What You Will Learn About Having Quality Conversations With Children In This Post
- Why it is important in the first place to converse with your child.
- How to start a conversation with them.
- How to validate your child's feelings.
- The important conversations that you need to have with your child.
- Tips on how to keep the communication going even when it is hardest of all.
The Importance Of Having Quality Conversations With Children
The parent-child relationship is one of the most influential relationships in a persons life.
From birth to age five, children are forming all sorts of new brain connections (called synapses) as a result of learned behavior.
These formative years are crucial and parents are a huge part of it.
We give our children their first glimpses into the world of right and wrong, love and hate, body language, emotions and so much more.
Even when you think they are not noticing you, they are watching and taking it all in.
We often forget this, which is why we are so surprised when teachers and other authorities inform us of some of the behaviors of our children of course, it's no surprise they've probably seen us do the same things at home.
Parents Are A Child's First Teachers
That position is one to be respected and handled with care.
You can do as much good as damage in word, action, and thought in this position.
Raising children is a labor of love but it is, in some opinions, the toughest job you'll ever perform.
We All Want What's Best For Our Kiddos
Humorously, at the same time, we are often scared to death of these little - or big - people.
They sit in front of us with heart-melting eyes, waiting for each word that drops from our lips.
What do we say?
How do we go about having quality conversations with children when our throat becomes dry and its easier to just smile and pat them on the head?
Is The Conversation Over Before It Begins?
If you have felt this way before, keep reading.
Here are some very positive reasons for wanting to engage in conversations with your kids:
- As kids grow up and are influenced by outside groups, they learn certain behaviors like keeping secrets.
- When you stay in touch with them, then you know not only what they are feeling but also what they are doing.
- You can influence them after all you want what is best for kids that's why you are here right?
- Well that begins with you the parents teaching them behaviors that will help them make the right choices to be successful in life, after all who else care enough to do it?
- Research shows that kids who eat dinner with their families are less likely to participate in activities such as underage drinking, sexual behavior at an early age, substance abuse and illegal activities.
Think of how much lower those numbers could be if you made the point of having regular conversations with them as well?
Having Quality Conversations With Children Show You Care For Them
There is more to having quality conversations with children then just speaking the words you want them to hear.
You must be willing learning to listen to them as well.
Sometimes, all kids want is to be heard we as parents don't always think about that when there's so much going on in our everyday lives.
Its so important that we make time to hear our kids out.
Communicating with them effectively demonstrates more than you could possibly know to your child.
Get to know them even though they are your children, kids are also people themselves.
If parents take the time and get to know them, they might find that they are fantastic people in their own right.
Give them a good start in life by sharing your trails and errors.
Quality Conversations With Children Means Sharing Your Trials And Errors
One way to have quality conversations with children is to share your life lessons as a way to help them avoid some of the same pitfalls that you experienced growing up.
Conversations that you wish you had with your parents can now be delivered from you to your child in a timely fashion where it can make a huge difference in their lives.
I know it did mine.
My dad shared so many things with me about his past and maybe in that moment I was listening but wasn't at the same time but I remember all of his examples.
I am grateful for him sharing his ups and downs even things I am sure were painful for him to talk about.
Kids want to know how their parents got to this point in their life they want to know that their parents had ups and downs just like them.
After all we didn't all get fed from a silver spoon and walk a life with no struggles.
Where Do Parents Begin Having Quality Conversations With Children?
Let's return to that example above of the eager child and the terrified parent.
We've all been in that position before.
But, it doesn't have to scare you.
Just like making small talk at a gathering, you can also learn how to approach big talks and everyday ones with your child.
Both the big talks and the everyday ones can be turned into quality conversations with children once you know how.
One Word Answers Aren't A Real Conversation
Have you ever tried to start a conversation with someone and received a one-word answer?
It can be frustrating right?
That often happens with kids.
Why?
For one, if they are young, their vocabulary is limited.
Two, they may not have learned to express themselves enough to come up with a response to your questions.
Three, you might not be asking the right questions.
In this section, we are going to help you out with knowing the right questions to ask.
Here are some ways to start conversations with your kids and believe me it can be effortless.
Five Ways to Start Conversations with Your Child
Before we begin, here's a tip: relax.
Talk to your child just like you would anyone else in your life.
Don't wait for a special occasion or difficult topic to communicate with your kids.
Get into the practice of speaking to them on a regular basis so they can get in the habit as well.
There are of course more than five ways to talk to your kids, but these are just to get you thinking of other ways that you can accomplish your goal.
- Discuss their day with them kids spend six or more hours in school, almost like being at work. Ask them how they did, if they accomplished anything, if they have homework and more. Children also need to decompress after a hard day of learning as well. Don't be afraid to ask more than one question, especially if you are used to getting one-word answers. Just don't overwhelm them.
- Bond over a shared activity young kids are very visual learners. Choose an activity that not only teaches them something but also gives you time to actually communicate with one another. Consider cooking with your child once a week, going for a walk, coloring, or doing a craft together. If you don't have any ideas of what your child might like to do with you ask them.
- Watch the news kids are concerned about what is going on around them too. They may have worries or questions. View a nightly news program which can then lead into discussing those concerns and answering their questions.
- Ask questions about them and find out what personality your child is forming as they get older. Find out what they are interested in, their likes and dislikes, and what dreams they may have for when they get older. These are other great ideas to start a conversation with them.
- Discuss family matters it is not uncommon for parents to walk around the house as if they are the only ones there. Kids can go unnoticed except for the fulfillment of their needs. Hold a family meeting and let everyone take turns talking. Also, talk about finances, household chores, expectations of them. Get kids involved in communicating what things they think would help make the household run smoother. It lets them know that they are valued and that their thoughts matter. This does not mean hand over the reins to them, but it will allow them to get an idea of what it takes to make a household run.
Quality Conversations With Children Mean Acknowledging Their Feelings
Every single person wants to know that they matter to someone in this world.
For children, it's their families.
You have been born into a group of people who are supposed to love and nurture you.
If you should matter to anyone, it will be them.
Kids Need To Feel Validated
Kids may be young, but their need to be validated is no less real.
Sometimes, we can sweep these feelings aside without even knowing that we are doing it.
It can drive a wedge in your relationship with your children.
Keep reading to find out areas to pay attention to when talking to your kids that can be addressed right now.
Help Your Child Understand Their Feelings
Get your child to name their feeling.
You might notice that your child is grumpy when they get in the car after school.
Ask them to describe what they are feeling and the situation that brought it on.
They may need your help in naming the actual emotion that they are displaying.
Suspend judgment about emotions because all of us experience different emotions to situations there is no right or wrong way to feel in a certain situation.
How To Deal With Your Child's Emotional Reactions
Allow them to show their emotions but also teach them how they should react to a situations.
There is nothing wrong with emotions in and of themselves.
It's the actions that can result from them spinning out of control and become a huge problem.
- Learn to listen when they are talking.
- Make eye contact with your child.
- Acknowledge that you hear what they are saying with a nod or a sound.
- Most importantly, keep your mind quiet.
Stop Thinking About What You Are Going To Say And Just Listen
Most of us think about the next thing we are going to say instead of actively paying attention.
Listen to your child with your mind as well as your ears.
You may pick up on something that you might have been missing before.
Teach them the other side of the story without invalidating their feelings, instill empathy in your child through a scenario that helps them to consider what the other person is feeling when they are dealing with situations in their lives.
That doesn't mean that they can't feel angry or sad about themselves; it simply puts things into perspective for them.
Give Your Child Time To Process Their Emotions
Don't push a child to talk let them know you are there if they need you and then wait for them to come to you.
A question may result in your child having trouble expressing their emotions.
Even if you are a little worried, don't press them if they ask for some time before you discuss the situation.
Just be prepared for that time to come, especially when you don't expect it.
We all know kiddos have the tendency to come to us when we least expect it just be ready and willing to set aside whatever you are doing to make time to hear them out.
Allow the storm to pass, It's okay for parents not to be able to fix everything because in reality we can't and we need to accept that.
Kids Can Be Angry Or Sad - That's Okay
Allow them appropriate time to get over their emotions or a setback.
This allows them to work things out for themselves.
Just don't forget to remind them that you are there to support them and talk further if they need it.
Important Conversations To Have With Your Child
You may have heard it before and it is still true.
As kids age, they come into contact with other influences: friends, teachers, other adults, and the media.
As a parent, give them the truth about certain important issues before they learn a different explanation from another source.
This is so important for our kiddos we do not want the wrong influences to be pushed on our children.
Quality Conversations With Children About Safety
Your child can't be with you 24/7.
They have to know how to take care of themselves and be secure in that knowledge when they are not with you.
Lead By Example
You teach them how to brush their teeth and put on their clothing.
Now, help them protect themselves.
Start With Essential Information
Even a young child needs to know their home address, telephone number and the proper names of both of their parents.
This can be of great use if they are ever lost or get hurt and don't have you around to remember it for them.
Quality Conversations With Children About Safety At Home
Kids need to learn to stay out of danger in the kitchen, bathroom, around household cleaners and even answering the telephone or the front door.
These skills can protect them when they are home alone (at an older age) and as adults.
Street Smarts Are Important
All parents teach their kids how to wait for the light and watch out for cars.
In today's society, it entails being street smart also.
Today's youth have to watch out for themselves against strangers, drugs, gangs and other influences that could harm them.
Informing them of these dangers doesn't take away their innocence.
On the contrary, it keeps it intact so others can't steal it.
Quality Conversations With Children Are Often Teaching Moments
Safety is an ongoing issue between parent and child.
Don't miss a moment that can be used as a teaching opportunity.
Discuss "good touch, bad touch" with them even as a young toddler.
There's so many dangers in the world today and you can never be to careful with your kids.
Safety is one of the biggest lessons you can teach your children from a very young age and will help keep them safe from someone who could steal their innocents away.
Quality Conversations With Children About Health
Obesity is an epidemic in society these days.
Kids are the fastest growing population affected.
This is a conversation that can happen over the dinner table.
Teach kids how to eat a healthy variety of foods by introducing them to natural fruits and vegetables at every turn.
Even if you don't eat a certain food, allow your kids to sample it for themselves and don't talk poorly about a food you aren't fond of because that will create an "I don't like it" response right off the bat.
Another Quality Conversation With Children Is Teaching Them To Care For Their Bodies
Looking good can lead to feeling good.
Teach them about proper hygiene, care of their bodies during puberty and respecting their attributes and who they are.
Respect for themselves can lead to conversations about peer pressure and bullying.
Discuss the different types of bullying and how it can affect them.
Peer pressure can be easy to ignore if it comes from a stranger but when it's a close friend, kids may not know how to handle it.
Quality Conversations With Children About Morality
Right and wrong are fundamental teachings for children.
You can't account for every situation but you can impart to them the basics.
There are gray areas, but those don't usually come into play until kids are older and have added new dynamics to their life.
Even so, kids have questions after watching television programs.
Approach each situation on a case-by-case basis.
Reiterate the importance of limits and boundaries which is not to make their lives miserable but to give them a firm foundation in life.
Quality Conversations With Children About Sex
It's the conversation that most parents dread having.
When do you start?
How much do you say?
Begin with their bodies.
Teach them the proper name for body parts, what each part is for and how they may differ from a child of the opposite sex.
There Is No Need To Rush This Conversation
You will know, as a parent, when the right time is to explain further on this subject.
Kids are not shy when they have questions about things, so deal with them as they come.
Use the simplest explanation that you can to convey the information.
This builds a foundation that will make the conversation about actual sexual relationships between boys and girls a bit easier for them - and you - to handle when the time comes for that.
Remember To Lead By Example
The relationship between parents is the first loving relationship that kids will see - how you talk to each other, your body language and even how you show affection around your kids and others.
They all paint a picture for your child.
Be as frank as you can with your kids without being crude.
Moderating their television and computer time can avoid inappropriate questions or situations before your child is old enough to handle the answers.
Communicating Even When It's Hard
It won't always be easy to talk with your kids but it will always be worth it.
There may come a time when kids can make it tough for you to have a conversation with them: peer pressure, friends, testing their limits, saying no to something they want.
As parents, we can also put the pressure on: avoiding certain subject matter, outright disapproval of friends, silent treatment, interjecting our opinions and sugar-coating everything that happens to our child
It is never too late to try and regain communication with your child.
Eat humble pie if you have to from time to time because lets face it your child needs you and sometimes that's what we have to do as parents.
Helpful Tips For Having Quality Conversations With Children
Here are several ways that you can keep the lines of communication open with your child even when they try to shut you out.
Talkative Moments Lead To Quality Conversations With Children
Kids, especially young ones, may find it easier to speak when they are more secure after a bath, getting tucked into bed, or at dinner.
Even if you have something else you want to do, take the time to listen to your child when they are ready to talk.
For teens, it may work best when you are driving, so they don't have to make eye contact during difficult conversations.
Avoid Pressuring Kids To Talk When They Aren't Ready
Avoid pressure to talk it may fit your schedule to get straight to the point but not your child's.
We all need time to process a situation before we can discuss it.
Give your child that same respect and consideration.
The exceptions, of course, would be if it is a dangerous situation.
Remember To Talk To Them Not At Them
Talk "to" them, not "at" them.
Have a quality conversation with children is not a conversation when only one person is allowed to speak.
Talking "at" someone implies that you are not interested in what they have to say, only in getting your opinion out.
Talking "to" them means that you want to hear what they have to say in response and you are willing to listen and that their opinion matters to you.
If you rush to speak before your child finishes, this advice may be something to think about.
Hurtful Things Stop Quality Conversations With Children
Avoid saying hurtful things sometimes tough love doesn't always work in certain situations.
For example, if you are concerned about your adolescent son's weight, telling him that he is fat or patting his stomach all the time is not going to inspire him.
In fact, it will embarrass and even lower his self-esteem, feeling that his parents don't love him the way he is.
You may have the best of intentions but the results will often prove to be less than satisfactory.
Find A Healthier Means Of Showing Love And Support
Be casual in your attitude this comes with talking to your child on a regular basis.
If you feel uptight, your child will notice it and think that you don't want to talk or don't want to really know what they have to tell you.
Even with the difficult subject matter, put yourself and your child at ease from the beginning.
Listen to your child first before you say anything, let them finish what they have to say in its entirety.
Quality Conversations With Children Mean Waiting Until It Is Your Turn To Speak
Hold all comments until it is your turn to speak.
They may need your help to flesh out their emotions but try to avoid putting words in their mouth.
Avoid hypocrisy this is the, "do as I say, not as I do" kind of behavior kids are smarter then they lead on.
If you tell them that gossiping is wrong but you are always on the phone discussing other people, it sets a less than positive example to your kids.
It can confuse younger children and make teenagers less trusting of you.
Love, Respect And Support Lead To Quality Conversations With Children
I hope that after reading this you are more confident in finding ways to communicate with your kids.
Parenting is rewarding and worthy but you will be put to the test throughout the process.
Communicate with your child as often as you can.
It conveys love, respect, and support.
Remember To Be Your Childs Biggest Cheerleader
As a parent, you are their first teachers and their first and biggest cheerleaders.
Get to know them as you help them grow and you will find it much easier to talk to them.
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Becky Alvarado
Tuesday 9th of March 2021
This is such a helpful reminder. Recently, I realized I wasn't having "quality" playtime with my youngest. (Note we do play the majority of the day.) My mind was elsewhere - so I set an alarm for 45 minutes and completely got into it. It was so good for her and me!
Thanks so much for sharing this - such great and important content.
Sarah Stults
Tuesday 9th of March 2021
Thank you so much for your response in regards to this blog. I also have found myself having playtime with my kids but my mind was elsewhere thinking about the other million things I had to get done for the day or week not really listening to my child. I felt this was an important blog to put out there for others because in todays world I feel like kids need us more then ever! There is so much going on and its harder to keep tabs on things and the only way for parents or caregivers to truly do this is by going straight to the source. You are so very welcome and I am so glad you enjoyed!